Reckoning With Reports That Someone In Your Community Has Harmed Someone

What to do next and some questions to consider

Several months ago, I drove to a friend’s house because I wanted to process with them, in person, some of the things swirling in my head around the cracks and potential pitfalls I was seeing in the spiritual abuse survivor world(some of the cracks I was seeing in myself).

When I arrived at their home, I hopped out of my van and grabbed a shovel I had tossed in the back seat before leaving my house. They were doing yard work, and I figured we could dig dirt, side-by-side, while talking through some things.

I filled my shovel and started asking questions:

• What do we do when someone says they have been harmed, but the situation is unclear?

• What will happen when someone or some place that has provided community and encouragement for folks who have been harmed elsewhere has allegations against them?

• Doesn’t it only make sense that the dynamics of unhealthy or imperfect systems could also play out in people and places who claimed to be about fighting against unhealthy and imperfect systems?

And the most important questions: What would we do when faced with that moment? What will I do?

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On March 16th, almost two weeks ago, news broke that we were now in that moment.

(screen grab from TNE Reckoning FB page)

As I scrolled through Threads on Monday, March 17th, the chatter I saw made it clear that something had come out about someone. A few clicks later I found a link to a third-party report recently completed by GRACE.

I read the over 90-page report. The scope of the report. The allegations. The gathered facts. The suggestions for next steps.

Over the subsequent 12 days, I got to watch, in real time, the answer to my question of what would happen if we were faced with a situation like this. Here’s what I observed:

• We feel big feelings and share them.

• We feel even bigger feelings when people question if our reaction is legitimate.

• We really want everyone to come to the same conclusion (ours) along the same timeline.

• We want some people to speak out.

• We want some people to be quiet.

• We want some people to do something right now.

• We think some people are moving too quickly.

• We are compassionate.

• We are snarky, sarcastic, and mean.

We=me. I’ve done/thought/felt all of these things.

This situation feels especially heavy to me because of all the blunders I’ve made over the years. I so wish I had handled some things differently. And I know I’ve been the person who has hurt others.

Yesterday, I was processing a public response to this situation. Some of their words resonated. Some made me deeply uncomfortable and wish they hadn’t said them. I sat in my car in a church parking lot (isn’t that the perfect setting?) and sent a Voxer message to a friend sharing my mixed feelings. Then I listened to her response.

She shared some things I wouldn’t have considered that challenged my initial gut reactions.

It’s something I desperately needed. Her words were a necessary speed bump. The numerous conversations we’ve had offline, with no audience, have been so good for my soul.

I think there are important and necessary conversations that happen in public, but I’m wondering if some of the most deep, transformational work is more likely to grow away from the public where we can sit with people who are willing to push back and give perspectives we wouldn’t have seen otherwise.

I don’t know what the right next step is for you, but I think mine is to work through these questions on my own and with trusted friends. Maybe these questions will be helpful for you:

• How do social media platforms make it easier or more difficult to navigate scandals?

• Where is the line between being a prophetic voice and centering our voices as we respond to scandals (am I doing this right now)?

• When someone has inflicted harm on someone else, how much additional public discourse is necessary?

• Is there just one correct way to process a third-party report?

• Do I understand the limits of a particular third-party report?

• How can I ensure I don’t outsource my discernment to someone else and let them tell me what I should think?

• Is there a way to speak clearly about right and wrong that acknowledges the harm caused to an individual while not dehumanizing the person who inflicted the harm?

• How much influence should someone with no proximity and relationship to me have over me?

• Am I being consistent with my values?

• If I’ve gathered a community together, what is my responsibility to ensure that community doesn’t harm others in my name? Is it my responsibility?

• Is it ultimately helpful or harmful to gather wounded people around any particular strong personality?

• If I’m consistently calling out wrongdoing, am I willing to call out that same wrongdoing if it means jeopardizing a friendship?

• Who can help me see this from a perspective I’m missing?

• What is mine to do?

• Who do I want to be?

• How is this forming me?

I had a conversation with Dr. Diane Langberg this week (she’ll be on an upcoming podcast episode) and asked her a question that’s relevant to this situation. I asked her what she would say to the pastor or leader who says, “What do I do when someone comes to me and says they have been harmed?” The first answer from Dr. Langberg was that they shouldn’t wait until that moment to figure out what they should do.

This will happen again.

What is the work I need to do to be prepared?

“The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best is now.”¹

(Tree from my neighborhood. It has seen better days)

Go grab your shovel and plant that tree.

P.S. My friend, Rebecca, has a great post that speaks to this.

1. Phrase origin.